Two rather disturbing (in more senses than one) incidents that I had the misfortune to witness recently, prompted me to pick up the gauntlet and speak out about cell phone behaviour. This has nothing to do with race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation or whatever other lame excuse some will conjure up against my well-intended blog. When I wore a younger man’s clothes we referred to this as plain and simple good manners. Now we call it preferred mobile device operational protocols. Here are just some hints on how to conduct ourselves when harnessing that little beast in public:
1. Bombing the Ballet
I know this sounds impossible, but I swear it’s true! While enjoying a production of the ballet, The Nutcracker, with my wife at the State Theatre a year ago, a woman in the first row (I kid you not!) gets a call on her cell phone and - wait for it - goes on to answer it and have a complete conversation right there! Two weeks ago the same thing happened to us while watching a really great movie.
Apart from destroying the experience for all those around her as well as the ballerinas who have been working their butts off to stage a really professional show, the light of her Smartphone practically obliterates every nuance of brilliant lighting effects conceived by the creative producers. Bloody hell, a stage production is at best three hours long, while her miserable life could easily go on for another sixty years. Was that really necessary?
Here's what a quick-witted violinist did with the same dilemma!
2. It may be fancy and smart, but it’s still a phone
Like the old fashioned telephone, your cell phone is a personal communication tool. Keep it that way and don’t use it in quiet yet crowded spaces such as elevators, bank queues, churches, mosques, etc. You would not have used a loudhailer in a lift before the mobile was invented; why then do it now? Use it discreetly and with all due respect to those who have to listen to the most intimate details of your sexual escapades last night. Take your calls outside and not less than three meters from the nearest potential victim of your verbal diarrhea.
3. Ban it from the Board room, dammit!
And that includes every conceivable workplace where we are in meeting mode; be it a business meeting, an interview, a presentation or in training. Of course your call is urgent. We all know that because you always get these calls right in the middle of meetings, don’t you? Well, our time is precious too. Now take your freakin’ call outside or face the very real risk of having the device shoved up the smallest anatomical orifice it will fit into by everyone in the meeting. Better still; pretend you have a brain and put the damn thing on silent before you walk into a business meeting.
As far as customer liaison and front line staff go: they should be banned from having cell phones at work altogether. I freak out completely and lose all my self-respect when I have to wait patiently for a receptionist to conclude her personal altercation with ‘Honey’ while my time is running out.
4. Control your emotions
Spare the public and your close friends the embarrassment of having to listen to your private and personal emotional outbursts. This includes tear-jerking sobbing; whinging and whining; the cacophonous ranting and raving of an escapee from an anger management institution and the spit-dripping ‘cooy-cooy’ bullshit you dish up to babies on the other end who have no idea what the hell you’re on about. Get a life!
5. Recycle your ringtones
Some ringtones, by their very nature, are nerve wrecking and soul destroying. Why would anyone in his right mind want that irritating Gangnam style ‘song’ as a ringtone? Or the sound of someone screaming: “Push the f**cking green button!” Or, for that matter, the sound of a chainsaw with hysterical people screaming in the background? Keep in mind that your ringtone says something about you. Your colleagues and the general public don’t have to be trained in psychology to read it.
Ah, and talking of ringtones: surely you know yours? Why then get that glazed expression when the ringing sound clearly emanates from your own bag? Even worse: looking around with everybody else to see who the culprit is! It is much like farting aloud while seated in the back row in church and then turning around to see who was responsible.
6. Kill yourself if you really have to
We all know by now that one cannot drive and speak on the phone effectively at the same time. It has been proven a thousand times over that the mobile is a killer. If you then still feel that you have to try it, do it on your own. Get into a simulator. Don’t do it on the road and in real life. It has a really good chance of turning out in real death. And texting while driving is umpteen times more stupid! People who send and receive text messages while driving, really ought to be exterminated. Painfully and slowly.
7. Double-crossing dumb asses
Some people cannot seem to resist the temptation to multitask their communication roles. They manage to speak to a client face-to-face while also conducting a (sort of) conversation on their mobiles and regularly switching to a Facebook chat on the same device – all in real time! Now that may make you feel quite competent and snazzy, but to the rest of us you are a rude, self-centred douche-bag with a warped sense of your own self-worth. Go play with hungry crocodiles, Punk.
These are but some of the irritating things people do with cell phones. There are many more. Let me know your pet mobile hates and I will gladly post a follow-up next month.
1. Bombing the Ballet
I know this sounds impossible, but I swear it’s true! While enjoying a production of the ballet, The Nutcracker, with my wife at the State Theatre a year ago, a woman in the first row (I kid you not!) gets a call on her cell phone and - wait for it - goes on to answer it and have a complete conversation right there! Two weeks ago the same thing happened to us while watching a really great movie.
Apart from destroying the experience for all those around her as well as the ballerinas who have been working their butts off to stage a really professional show, the light of her Smartphone practically obliterates every nuance of brilliant lighting effects conceived by the creative producers. Bloody hell, a stage production is at best three hours long, while her miserable life could easily go on for another sixty years. Was that really necessary?
Here's what a quick-witted violinist did with the same dilemma!
2. It may be fancy and smart, but it’s still a phone
Like the old fashioned telephone, your cell phone is a personal communication tool. Keep it that way and don’t use it in quiet yet crowded spaces such as elevators, bank queues, churches, mosques, etc. You would not have used a loudhailer in a lift before the mobile was invented; why then do it now? Use it discreetly and with all due respect to those who have to listen to the most intimate details of your sexual escapades last night. Take your calls outside and not less than three meters from the nearest potential victim of your verbal diarrhea.
3. Ban it from the Board room, dammit!
And that includes every conceivable workplace where we are in meeting mode; be it a business meeting, an interview, a presentation or in training. Of course your call is urgent. We all know that because you always get these calls right in the middle of meetings, don’t you? Well, our time is precious too. Now take your freakin’ call outside or face the very real risk of having the device shoved up the smallest anatomical orifice it will fit into by everyone in the meeting. Better still; pretend you have a brain and put the damn thing on silent before you walk into a business meeting.
As far as customer liaison and front line staff go: they should be banned from having cell phones at work altogether. I freak out completely and lose all my self-respect when I have to wait patiently for a receptionist to conclude her personal altercation with ‘Honey’ while my time is running out.
4. Control your emotions
Spare the public and your close friends the embarrassment of having to listen to your private and personal emotional outbursts. This includes tear-jerking sobbing; whinging and whining; the cacophonous ranting and raving of an escapee from an anger management institution and the spit-dripping ‘cooy-cooy’ bullshit you dish up to babies on the other end who have no idea what the hell you’re on about. Get a life!
5. Recycle your ringtones
Some ringtones, by their very nature, are nerve wrecking and soul destroying. Why would anyone in his right mind want that irritating Gangnam style ‘song’ as a ringtone? Or the sound of someone screaming: “Push the f**cking green button!” Or, for that matter, the sound of a chainsaw with hysterical people screaming in the background? Keep in mind that your ringtone says something about you. Your colleagues and the general public don’t have to be trained in psychology to read it.
Ah, and talking of ringtones: surely you know yours? Why then get that glazed expression when the ringing sound clearly emanates from your own bag? Even worse: looking around with everybody else to see who the culprit is! It is much like farting aloud while seated in the back row in church and then turning around to see who was responsible.
6. Kill yourself if you really have to
We all know by now that one cannot drive and speak on the phone effectively at the same time. It has been proven a thousand times over that the mobile is a killer. If you then still feel that you have to try it, do it on your own. Get into a simulator. Don’t do it on the road and in real life. It has a really good chance of turning out in real death. And texting while driving is umpteen times more stupid! People who send and receive text messages while driving, really ought to be exterminated. Painfully and slowly.
7. Double-crossing dumb asses
Some people cannot seem to resist the temptation to multitask their communication roles. They manage to speak to a client face-to-face while also conducting a (sort of) conversation on their mobiles and regularly switching to a Facebook chat on the same device – all in real time! Now that may make you feel quite competent and snazzy, but to the rest of us you are a rude, self-centred douche-bag with a warped sense of your own self-worth. Go play with hungry crocodiles, Punk.
These are but some of the irritating things people do with cell phones. There are many more. Let me know your pet mobile hates and I will gladly post a follow-up next month.
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